


Mrs. Lovett and the Warrior Women

by NichtBenz



Series: Crusts, Curses, and Chakrams [1]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Sweeney Todd (2007), Xena: Warrior Princess
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack Fic, F/F, Femslash, three-way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-01
Updated: 2012-09-01
Packaged: 2017-11-13 07:20:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 11,590
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/500924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NichtBenz/pseuds/NichtBenz
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After a long day's work, Nellie Lovett settles in for a nice evening alone, only to find herself intruded upon by two lovely (and somewhat violent) warrior women.<br/>*Warning! It's an overly wordy smutty crackfic without nearly enough smut or crack*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Of Portkeys and Day Dreams

**Author's Note:**

> So one day, little old me, who had never written a fanfic before decided "I'm going to write a smutty crackfic!" so I took the three fandoms I obsess over the most, and smooshed them together as best I could, and things just got completely out of hand. (If MS Word is to be believed, just shy of 11,500 words out of hand when the whole thing is said and done.)  
> So this is my obviously AU first stab at both smutty crackfic, and indeed fan fiction in general. Two of the aforementioned things are seriously lacking in my opinion, but hopefully that doesn't make it any less fun.  
> So please join me in planting your tongue firmly in your cheek, and suspending your disbelief, to hopefully enjoy a fun little story about the happenings one night, in Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium. 
> 
> Also, super duper thanks to my the best friend a girl could have, my beta: Lackadaisydreams  
> And no, i don't own anything, at all, not even my car much less Harry Potter, or Sweeney Todd, or Xena.

Never before had Bellatrix seen the Dark Lord so angry. And yet, angry wasn’t even the word for it. There couldn't possibly be a word to adequately describe the pure, unadulterated rage seeping from his every pore as the boy leapt from the giant’s arms. Even as Bellatrix roused her comrades into action, there was nothing but terror in her heart. Not terror from the war or terror of the renewed faith of her enemies, but terror of her own Lord. Never had fear held such depth for her; it lay within her core, a convulsing mass of trepidation that surpassed even her worst memories of Azkaban.  
She knew with absolute certainty the outcome of this battle. The Dark Lord would fall, consumed by his own rage, and whether it by his hand or another's, Bellatrix knew she would die. It was then, with this realisation, that she took off running, into the heat of the battle in the heart of the castle. She would find her way out.  
Curses flew past her every moment. Rubble fell as constantly as a heavy rain. Some of the spells sent at her were truly lethal, cast by those in the throes of a real and gripping desperation; others were nothing more than infantile hexes, probably sent by the children who foolishly stayed behind, believing that there was a difference between bravery and profound stupidity. However, no spell could touch her - any who dared quickly found their place on the ground beneath her feet. Even if she didn't intend to see this battle through, she could still make a noticeable dent in their filthy numbers.  
Finally she saw before her that insipid painting of Barnabas the Barmy and his hideous Prima Donna trolls. She closed her eyes and began her pacing, focusing with all her will and might -  
“I need a way to escape, where no one, not the Dark Lord...” at this her resolve began to fade a little. How could she run away, abandon her lord and her cause? But she had devoted her life to him out of survival. He had been the way for her but if her way of life was to continue, he no longer could be. Now he could only be her downfall, his entire existence before this ruined any chance of a future in any reality where he did not win. And she knew as she thought back to the shattering man radiating such wretched emptiness that he would not. With that, Bellatrix focused again on the task at hand, getting away.  
“I need a way to escape where no one, not the Dark Lord, or any of the Order, or any other person unfortunate to ever hear my name can hope to find me.”  
Bellatrix opened her eyes. There was the door. Her escape. She ran to the door and flung it open so quickly it shrieked on its hinges to see a lone pedestal holding a most peculiar escape tool.  
A rolling pin.  
Bellatrix had been around enough port keys in her life to recognize one immediately, and without stopping to ponder why it was shaped as such, or even where it would take her, Bellatrix reached forward and grabbed it. She instantly felt the hook grab behind her navel and wrench her away from this vile place.  
Bellatrix immediately spun to take in her new surroundings, which through her fogged mind seemed to be a, bedroom? She tightened her hold on her wand before whirling around, intending to run as quickly as possible before an earsplitting scream of shock pierced her ears.  
“Bloody 'ell! 'ho the devil are you?!”  
Turning to the source she found a brunette, appearing to be about her own size and age, and very nearly naked in front of her. As it was, Bellatrix found she appreciated the sight a bit too much and lowered her guard just long enough for the petite woman to smash Bellatrix in the head with her own rolling pin.  
*******************  
Xena had found a decent if not comfortable shade across the street from one Mrs. Lovett's Meat Pie Emporium to both protect her from the rain and allow her to observe the goings on of the little shop on Fleet Street. It seemed a normal enough business, owned and operated by a lovely brunette who bustled from table to table chattering away all the while as she filled mugs and served pies. Xena had to remind herself more than once that she was supposed to be observing the the place so unfortunately surrounded by the nightmarish smell of human flesh, not ogling one Mrs. Lovett and her very flattering décolletage. But it had been so very long since she had had “pleasant” company. She couldn't entirely blame herself. As per watching Mrs. Lovett as long as she did, the woman seemed entirely normal and amiable and exceptionally familiar with all of her many patrons.  
The barber above her though was a different story. He was a handsome man, with a deeply haunted look, who accepted his many customers with a large smile that never once reached his black eyes.  
Indeed, if was anything amiss at this shop on Fleet Street, with its wretched smell, it would have to do with the barber.  
Yet again, though the bubbly baker proved to be too much of a distraction, and Xena could barely remember to keep an eye on the comings and goings of the tonsorial parlor as her mind absently wandered to the languages and more romantic skills she had picked up over the many many years of her life, trying to figure out which of them the little baker would be most appreciative of.  
Really, it had been quite a long life for her. Too long, in fact. She remembered back to what she thought was to be her final death, the look of love in Gabrielle's eyes, and how desperately she had wished there could be another way. But at the time there wasn't, and she had accepted that, had enjoyed the idea of finally atoning for all her sins and going to the afterlife, as quickly and easily as falling asleep. Then, just as quickly and easily, she woke up naked in a stone room, in what she would find to be Gabrielle's tomb in Amphipolis. After the shock and the pain had worn off, Xena felt that warmth in her heart that only Gabrielle seemed to provide, and thanked her for coming home with her. With that, Xena took her chakram and sword, waiting for her it seemed, next to her urn, stole some clothes off the line of a nearby house, and began to wander again, ever righting wrongs where she could find them.  
As night began to fall, Xena found herself floating in and out of little dreams. The stories came easy to her after so many years of life saving and villain ruining. She would roam the sewers under the building that night, and catch the barber (who she could only assume to be Mr. Lovett) in the middle of some heinous deed, likely about to skewer the little boy who ran around the shop, when she would sound her cry and break in at just the right moment and battle the man. Mrs. Lovett would come running at all the noise to find the two battling over the child’s life, at some point the barber would start to monologue why he was doing so and how self-righteous he was (as they all always seemed to be). Xena would give him the choice to step down or die, he would refuse and then run to attack Mrs. Lovett as well, when Xena would throw her chakram and just in time end his wicked life and save the beautiful damsel.  
Together she and Mrs. Lovett would release the boy and Mrs. Lovett would leap up to passionately kiss Xena in thanks before...

“BLOODY 'ELL!”

Xena awoke with a start at the scream, and before she was even conscious of what she was doing, she sprang to her feet and threw herself into the pie shop. More sounds, more shouting and the sickening crack of impact on a skull lead Xena to the back apartment. Through the adrenaline and planning working constantly in her head, she was only aware of the fact that perhaps she would get to rescue Mrs. Lovett.  
One last door stood in between her and her damsel, Xena slammed it open with her shoulder, chakram in hand, only to discover, with an unconscious body at her feet and rolling pin raised high, Mrs. Lovett did not need any rescuing.

Strange was perhaps the best word for everything involved in this situation. A dark and panicked woman appeared out of thin air in the middle of Mrs. Lovett's bedroom as she changed for bed carrying a rolling pin and a stick, Mrs. Lovett naturally attacked the woman into submission, she had to do something to earn the time in order to collect what was left of her mind. This particular moment added to her current place in life made her seriously doubt how much of it was left.  
It didn't help that the moment her heart slowed down enough for her to breathe, yet another strange woman appeared in Mrs. Lovett's bedroom. This one at least, Mrs. Lovett was able to trace the entrance on. That entrance being her bedroom door which now hung sadly from a single hinge, squeaking in exhaustion every so often as the two now stared at each other.  
And stare they did. Mrs. Lovett warily eyeing the tall woman with intense blue eyes that seemed to be made of steel, armed with the strangest weapon Mrs. Lovett had ever seen. She had no clue what it was but that familiar quality of a brightly gleaming metal edge not being held but being held but existing and breathing within the hand of the wielder, oh Mrs. Lovett was familiar with that and knew the deadly force of that shine. Those eyes though, even more intense, eyes that disappointingly were not meeting her own. Mrs. Lovett followed those eyes to realise, fully realise for the first time that she was not in her usual state of dress. Rather here she was in her corset, stalkings, and bloomers, nothing extraordinarily special. As incomprehensible as the entire situation seemed to be, Mrs. Lovett couldn't help but be flattered by the eyes glued to her in her un-extraordinary underthings. She didn't miss the little flutter in her heart.  
That silver weapon was still shining at her though, and that made her heart flutter in a very different and far less pleasant way. That was when she realised her violent rolling pin was still raised high. Finally catching eye contact with those electric blue eyes, Mrs. Lovett slowly lowered her pin. Desperately hoping that this obviously insane person was calmer than Mr. T, and praying that this woman wouldn't take advantage of the moment just to slaughter her.  
A numbing calm settled over her as the other woman lowered her metal disc of doom, and the first clear thought Mrs. Lovett had had during this whole ordeal popped into her head.  
“Drink?”  
Not that she waited for an answer though; she immediately marched to her wardrobe to remove the gin bottle hidden in the corner.  
“Good thing to have handy, gin is. Of course, 'ave to keep it well hidden otherwise it'd be gone in a day. After all poor Toby dear drinks like a fish, and Mr. Todd and his moods. It'd be no good at all for those two to stay nice an' toasty while I work my poor fingers to the bone for them dry as a fish. Be no good to anybody, I'd be.” Mrs. Lovett felt the thoughts in her head start buzzing as she tried to determine her next course of action, and pleased that she was yet again thinking, Mrs. Lovett celebrated with a long swallow of gin before offering the bottle to her “visitor”.  
The only thing Mrs. Lovett received by way of reply was a solitary eyebrow raise before one of those steel hands swiped the bottle from her. Mrs. Lovett couldn't help but be impressed as the woman took several gulps in one go without so much as a flinch. If things continued going well they may very well be good friends.  
“So, what's your name then, dearie?”  
“Xena.”  
“Good to meet you. I’m Mrs. Nellie Lovett. You're not from round here then? You know I do get a good amount of foreigners comin' round now a days, made a name for myself I have, they come in while visiting London and someone or other....”  
“What happened with her?” Xena interrupted. Mrs. Lovett couldn't help but be relieved by the fact that she was getting straight to the point.  
“I'm afraid you know just as much as I do. I was just here 'bout to slip into something a bit more comfortable when she appeared. Scared me 'alf to death she did. She dropped her rolling pin so I used it to buy some time and get my wits about me.”  
“All things considered, we should probably contain her until she wakes up. She could be dangerous.” Mrs. Lovett remembered the ropes she had in the bake house. Never knew when you needed them after all. “The last time I saw a wand like hers hell came with it...”  
“Wand? What're you talking about, love?”  
At this Xena let out a small sigh of exasperation, Nellie did not miss the small smile peaking at the corners of her mouth. If it were any other mouth smiling at her ignorance Nellie Lovett would have kicked their arse onto the street. Despite her annoyance at the matter, she couldn't help but find something a little pleasant in the cute smile on this tall stranger.  
“A wand,” Xena said holding up the carved stick that had since fallen to the ground. “very different from the magic they used where I'm from, but infinitely more powerful and better designed. Odds are very likely that this woman is a witch; a very strong one to just appear out of thin air. Here,” Xena handed Mrs. Lovett the wand. “Hide this somewhere and bring me something to tie her up with. We'll have plenty of questions to ask her when she wakes up.”  
Mrs. Lovett's feet were already headed to the bake house. Two birds, one stone, and all that. Not only could she go fetch the rope but no one would find the wand hidden deep where only she or Mr. T dared to go.  
“Mr. T!” Surely he had heard all the commotion, and should he dare to venture down at any point, he would most definitely see the strange collection of people. Oh, and Toby, Toby, Toby, Toby. It was a wonder that her little would-be knight hadn't already burst in and caused an even larger stir.  
Mrs. Lovett began frantically searching for any sign of either of them. Her heart seized when Toby was nowhere to be found in her living area. Maybe he had run off to the police when she screamed. Oh, he couldn't have! She had to find Mr. T. Dashing through the shop she would get to his stairs, except, there would be no trip to the stairs.  
Passed out in one of the booths were both of her boys. Toby's fingers reaching out in his sleep to a bottle cradled in Mr. Todd's arms. This would be a story for another day, Mrs. Lovett was sure. So filing the memory away for future pondering, she went to the bake house still trying to puzzle together her own strange evening.


	2. Of Legilimency and Ropes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaand here we are again, with a little bit more. We still haven't gotten to the juicy bits, but stick with me, they will come.  
> I promise!

As the haze began to wear off of Bellatrix’s being, a slow and creeping pain set in, as did her warrior instincts. Focused on keeping her breathing even and posture slack (so as to not alert any guards to her waking), she started to take in her immediate surroundings, which happened to be rope and…here she wiggled the tiniest bit to be sure… a bed post. An interesting location considering she ended up here by fleeing the final battle of the second major war in twenty years. Even more interesting considering the sounds were not those of an ongoing battle or even the wails of the wounded, dying, and the captured, but a slight moist smacking that sounded suspiciously like a thorough snogging.  
Considering all that Bellatrix had been through in the last twenty years, she decided that she could take just a bit of time to enjoy the absurdity of waking up tied to a bed while some real fun was about to happen inches away. Carefully Bellatrix opened her eyes just enough to spy the woman who had beat her over the head clung to a golden amazon by way of legs, arms, and mouth. Oh, Bellatrix could certainly find a way to enjoy this.  
Shifting again to properly feel her bindings, Bellatrix quickly found the knot and cast a terribly simple wordless and wandless charm causing the ropes to limply fall to her side. How had muggles even survived this long, if their prisoners could free themselves using the simplest of silent charms? Well she would show them. It would take nothing for Bellatrix to gain the upper hand over these filthy muggles, and lucky for them she was in the mood for something filthy. Perhaps if they were satisfactory she would just obliviate the memories away as opposed to burying them in a torture induced madness. Or she might do that anyways. She would just have to see where the evening took her.  
The writhing couple fell to the ground away from her allowing Bellatrix to crawl forward and move in on her prey like the graceful and deadly panther to a kill.  
Unfortunately this panther had spent fourteen years chained to a wall being slowly driven mad by dementors and was not as coordinated as she once was, which she proved by promptly knocking over a bottle of gin with a very noticeable thud.  
They were far more on the ball than Bellatrix expected of the filthy muggles, as the clink of the glass on wood had barely finished ringing than the Amazonian one had a knife on Bellatrix as the petite one had her rolling pin of doom at the ready.  
Undaunted Bellatrix’s hand instantaneously shot to her wand holster, to find it empty.  
Now she was just the slightest bit daunted. 

*********  
Of all the ways Xena had imagined her interactions with Mrs. Lovett, this was not one of them.  
After securing the wild haired witch to Mrs. Lovett’s bedpost, the two had settled in for watch duty, stationed on the floor side by side staring at the intruder as they awaited her awaking.  
Naturally this became very boring very quickly. The only thing keeping them from withering of boredom was the very handy bottle of gin Mrs. Lovett had supplied, and Mrs. Lovett’s constant chatter that was becoming increasingly less coherent and more adorable, until Xena couldn’t contain herself, grabbed Mrs. Lovett chin and claimed her mouth in a searing kiss, before immediately regretting the kiss and the gin that had probably caused it.  
Until she registered a Mrs. Lovett’s mouth working furiously against her own and a tongue begging for entrance. No longer regretting a second, Xena decided to seize the day by seizing the lovely little baker.  
Maneuvering them to the floor Xena prepared to further “seize the day” with Mrs. Lovett’s barely there clothing when the thud of glass on wood ripped her from the delightful proceedings and forced her back into the real world of witches and prisoners.  
***********

Mrs. Lovett was working her very hardest to appear imposing as possible as she desperately tried to catch her breath. It was rather more difficult than she expected as the same golden Grecian goddess who had ripped it from her mouth moments ago was still looking very breathtaking as she had the wild intruder at her mercy.  
Had she the time, Mrs. Lovett might reflect on her attraction to violent blade wielders, but as it was there was an escaped mad woman in her room that needed tending to. Of course even the escaped mad woman wasn’t helping with Mrs. Lovett and her strange attractions. Now, as the woman was deep in thought, eyes darting forth between her captors like a caged animal looking for escape, Mrs. Lovett couldn’t help but be reminded of Sweeney. Beyond that strange flash in the woman’s almost black eyes, her pale skin glowed and her mane of wild black hair even had the same shock of white running past her temple. And her eyes, those eyes staring at her like a wounded animal, Mrs. Lovett could just swim into, even now, starting into those deep portals into her soul, Nellie could almost feel the woman reaching out to her, and touching her deep inside her innermost thoughts, breathing all of Nellie’s darkest secrets into herself, she could almost see the recognition in the woman’s eyes as she thought of Sweeney, and the disposal of his victims, killing Albert, keeping Toby from the bake house and it’s blood, all the blood, so much blood pooling on the floor even to where the strange woman’s wand was…..  
All at once Mrs. Lovett was rocked back to the present as the woman suddenly leapt from her position on the floor and a filthy mad cackle rang through the air. A flurry of skirts and limbs followed in the woman’s wake as Xena attempted to tackle and restrain her, the woman cackling the entire way through the door and struggling headed towards the bake house, when all at once Nellie realized what was happening as if a sleepy fog over her brain was washed away by a torrent of cold water, and Nellie was pissed.  
“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY HEAD!?” and with that Mrs. Lovett chucked her rolling pin as hard as she could in the direction of the two wrestling women. Even should it hit Xena, then at least Mrs. Lovett would have a moment with the wretched woman to herself, and may the good Lord in Heaven know that Nellie Lovett would make this invasive woman pay. 

 

Bellatrix was having a much harder go of getting to the bake house than she thought. As it turned out, the large was more than an adept fighter; she would even go so far as to say the muggle was impressive. Granted, Bellatrix could still have her, she was a warrior through and through, but so it seemed was this woman, and what should have only taken a few well angled strikes to allow her room to flee, turned out instead to be a massive tangle of limbs punching, grabbing, and kicking, which anger and pride soon devolved into biting, and scratching, and hair pulling in the vain hope of gaining an advantage.  
Bellatrix was sure she would have an opening soon though. All she needed to do was untangle herself from the giant, pull the small side table on of her, and then run like mad to the cellar she had seen in the little one’s thoughts where she would find her wand, and could then set all things right.  
And by right of course, Bellatrix intended to hex the two into oblivion, before leaving them humiliated and broken and making her way into the night. Hell, if she was feeling jovial, she might even leave them with some silly hats to wear as the dribbled on themselves in their shattered states. She was thinking purple for the little one, and something lacy and pink for the big one.  
Then, just as Bellatrix was deciding how large the feathers in the brims should be, her jaw exploded in pain, leaving her hunched and near tears as the giant finally pinned her down. Looking through the haze of pain just enough to determine her surroundings, Bellatrix saw, yet again, the wretched rolling pin of doom. She swore, she was going to burn that thing first chance she got.  
Bellatrix was left with little time to plan her vengeance on the cooking utensil though as the little one came charging up to her, wrenching her head back by a fistful of hair, and began an unearthly shrieking.  
“What did you do to my head, you demon? No right you’ve got to see such things! Bet you’re here to punish me ain’t ya! Ain’t ya! The devil sent you to collect and first you needed evidence, eh! You won’t be heading back though! Never! Never! NEVER! NE-“  
“Nellie!” and a crack was heard through the air, as the giant smacked the little one. Her eyes grew large and hateful for just a second more, before she breathed in, and resumed an eerily calm demeanor, hands on her hips, and eyebrows held high, as if she was reacting to a bit of idle gossip thrown her way, not a mental invasion followed by minor physical assault.  
For all Bellatrix cared though, this Nellie could have stripped herself bare and gone running through the streets confessing her bloody crimes, because Bellatrix’s jaw was still smarting and the giant had her wrists in a death grip, both of which were far more important than “Nellie’s” episode. And then the large one twisted her arm, and suddenly, Bellatrix just could not find the energy to care for anything.  
“FINE! I’m done! You’ve got me. You filthy little muggles. I give up. Tie me from the ceiling for all I care, just get OFF OF ME!” Her captors looked at her for a moment before Nellie turned around and marched back to the bedroom they had all tumbled out of. And while still pinning Bellatrix under her weight, the apparent half-giant shifted her position allowing her to look Bellatrix in the face.  
“Do you have a name, then?” A single eyebrow arched in question.  
“Bellatrix Lestrange.”  
“Really? Bellatrix, as in the warrior star?”  
“You should know. Made you work for this position, didn’t I?”  
The woman only lifted an eyebrow at her, but Bellatrix could swear she saw just the tiniest hint of an upward turn at one corner of her mouth.  
“What about you, then? Turnabout’s fair play. Do you have a name or should I just call you ‘filthy muggle’?”  
Then her mouth definitely turned into a smile, which would be pretty to Bellatrix if it weren’t so smug.  
“I know far more about magic than you could even imagine, and have dealt with powers far more powerful than your little stick of a wand.”  
Bellatrix’s insides boiled with rage, and she twisted to lurch up at the woman, the spit ready in her mouth when suddenly her body froze, as if all the blood had been expelled from her body Bellatrix could barely breath much less attack.  
“I’ve cut off the flow of blood to your brain. You’ll be dead in seconds unless you cooperate. My name is Xena, the other woman is Nellie, you are completely at our mercy, and will answer and all questions directed at you. Do you understand?”  
Bellatrix could barely strangle out the weak “yes” that finally convinced the woman to press on either side of her neck, releasing her from that hell. Gasping for breath like a fish, Bellatrix curled in on herself and tried to regain a semblance of composure.  
As Nellie came back into the room, she carried the rope in one hand, and what was left of the bottle of gin in the other.  
Xena reached out her hand, presumably for the rope, and could only stare in wide eyed confusion as Nellie handed her the gin bottle that landed in her hand instead, as Nellie continued her march to Bellatrix, nearly pulling her arms from their sockets as she pulled them towards her and proceeded to bind her, hard.  
“What did you do to me? No! What did you see? How much, you bloody thing!?” Bellatrix was more than a little startled by the small woman’s sudden hardness, but a look at Xena’s fingers itching to poke her again kept her talking.  
“I saw everything you did. The fat man, the barber, the cellar and the bodies, nice work by the way. My master would have loved you. Very clever.” Nellie’s eyes grew and her mouth gaped, and Bellatrix could feel Xena’s body stiffening behind her.  
“Oh, don’t worry. Who do I have to tell anything to? Believe me, I hold no affection for law enforcement.” Bellatrix wasn’t entirely sure why she was feeling so charitable or open. It would have been far more clever to use the information to blackmail the woman, or maybe even to pretend to be a demon and scare her captors to death, but at this point, what did she have to lose?  
“Your world? What do you mean your ‘world’? Where exactly are you from, then?” Nellie’s eyebrows had traveled across her face in curiosity and impatience.  
“Wizards and witches very often live secluded from society in their own little towns and villages on the periphery of our own world. It’s something they’ve done for years to avoid us ‘muggles’.” Xena explained, not once taking her eyes off of Bellatrix.  
“We wouldn’t have had to if you muggles hadn’t been so violent to things you didn’t understand. And I have to admit, you haven’t exactly given me the warmest welcome. Haven’t exactly tried to sway my opinion, have you?”  
“YOU APPEARED IN MY BLOODY ROOM WHILE I WAS BLOODY CHANGING! Before proceeding to invade my thoughts, and make an absolute mess of the place by mucking about in places you don’t belong!”  
“She has a point there, you realize.”  
Bellatrix did have to admit defeat. She could think of the violent fun she would have had with someone should they appear while she was quietly in her room preparing for bed. After all, her quiet time was precious, and should Lucius have decided to barge in in the manor, then Cissy be damned, Bella would have killed him.  
“So then Bellatrix,” Xena began “Why are you here?”  
Bellatrix opened her mouth to begin, only to realize that she was missing a rather vital piece of information.  
“To allow me to answer that, where exactly is ‘here’?”  
“Fleet Street, London.”  
“Year?”  
At this both Xena and Nellie looked a little taken aback.  
Eyebrows yet again fleeing to her hairline, Nellie slowly answered “The year of our lord 1846.”  
Bellatrix really couldn’t piece together any bit of magic history that had included a port key that traveled in time as well as space, but now was not the time to worry about magical theory. Now was the time to answer questions and work on a plan for, something.  
“A portkey brought me here. Beyond that I do not know any how’s why’s, or who’s.” Sensing from their lack of motion, Nellie and Xena were not satisfied with the answer, Bellatrix decided. After all, in for a knut in for a sickle, and she needed to even the field between herself and Nellie before the woman decided to make more use of her rolling pin.  
“Alright, what do I have to lose? Let me tell you about the Dark Lord……”


	3. Of Rum and Sexual Partners

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter that finally makes with the smut (which is much, much harder to write than I would have thought)

Xena wanted nothing more at that moment in time than more gin. The last 20 minutes had proved to be more than informative. Bellatrix Lestrange was a murderer who had just deserted from an army of violent criminals, Nellie Lovett was a cannibal, and the gin bottle was bone dry.  
“Well then dear, what dirty laundry ‘ave you got to hang out. Hardly seems fair for you to have so much on the two of us, when all we’ve got on you is your name and that your hands are just as talented as your mouth.” Nellie gave her a rather saucy smile at the end, and for the first time in many many years, Xena did not want to be good. She didn’t want to be righteous or strong; she wanted to resume exploring that mouth regardless of what else had been in it. And Bellatrix’s heavy eyes and flattering décolletage were not exactly helping matters.  
But wants or no wants, Xena had turned over a new leaf, and had devoted her now (seemingly unending life) to righting the world.  
But who was she to judge? She had hardly been any less violent than Bellatrix, and could remember doing many a truly insane thing for love in her time (although she had become violently jealous of Mr. Todd, and he did not have the doe eyes or corset to charm Xena out of what she had planned for him).  
And after all had her actual “turning” been all that honest or respectable? It had depended a good deal on the quality of some private time with Hercules, and maybe if she could convince the lovely ladies before her into spending a little quality private time with herself, it would do them some good as well. At the very least, perhaps she could break Mr. Todd’s hold over Nellie, showing her that she certainly didn’t need him to find love, or at least lust.  
Or at least that’s what the gin was telling her. And all in all, Xena decided that she agreed with the gin.  
And so, Xena began to regale them with her own tale, leaving out the bits with Hercules and her own change of heart, and all the softer bits with Gabrielle, except the ones of course that might persuade the women in front of her into spending a bit of quality private time with her.  
***************************************  
Nellie Lovett had a long list of things she really needed to think about when it came to her choice in sexual partners, would be or actual. With a murderer in a gin induced coma in her kitchen, a manic witch attached by her mouth to Nellie’s neck, and a former war lord’s tongue entangled with her own, any alienist worth their salt would give a vital body part for the chance to study her.  
Of course they would also be rather interested in the fact that Nellie actually believed one of them was supposedly a witch from the future, and the other had apparently been alive for the last 1500 years or so. Of course, were she in any mood to think about it, Nellie would probably have decided at any other point in time that the two woman who had tackled and ravaged her on her living room floor were probably hallucinations, and it was only a matter of time before she ended up in Bedlam. But at a moment like this why should Nellie let little things like “logic” or “reality” or “sanity” get in the way of her fun, and as her corset fell limply to her sides and two sets of hands greedily attacked the newly exposed flesh, Nellie Lovett was having quite a good deal of fun.  
Then, quick as a flash, Nellie realized what would take her “fun” night and make it a fantastic night.  
“Back in a tick loves, wait for me, and don’t go anywhere!” and with that Nellie scrambled from the room, and running as fast as her little feet would carry her to the kitchen, before skidding to a halt. And silent as the grave and sneaky as a fox, Mrs. Lovett tip-toed to Sweeney and his liquor bottle, cradled to his breast like a babe, with her fingers out-stretched and her breathing still. After all, she couldn’t wake him now, as she stood before him in only her bloomers and the moans of two women (who were not evidently waiting for her) sounded throughout the ground floor. Mrs. Lovett could explain away almost anything, but somehow, she didn’t think she could explain away this.  
Stealing her nerve, Mrs. Lovett finally reached out and snatched at the bottle in Mr. T’s arms, only to find that his arms were coming with it.  
“NO! BAD MONKEY! SHOOT THE MONKEY!” As Mrs. Lovett pulled harder, attempting to flee (with the bottle she had left all the fun behind for), a sleeping and delirious Sweeney Todd only tightened his grip and continued rambling about monkeys and gold, until finally, with a horrible low groan, Sweeney let go of the bottle and slumped over the table.  
Mrs. Lovett could only briefly begin to ponder whether or not she had just seen Mr. Todd die, when Bellatrix’s filthy cackle rang like a dirty dirty bell, followed by “Oh Merlin, yes!”, and Mrs. Lovett found herself slamming into her bedroom door frame before she could even think the word “corpse.”  
The moment Nellie took to recover from the impact became a far longer moment to appreciate the sight before her, all golden limbs ripping cloth from ivory skin, and hair so mussed that it would have been humorous if it weren’t so sexy. Mrs. Lovett took a long swig of whatever Mr. Todd had held so dear, to find nice rich rum. After all, his brief stint as a sailor with that Anthony boy had left Mr. Todd with a small taste for the exotic (even if he were loath to admit it), and Mrs. Lovett, inspired by her tasty beverage, decided that it was time for her to get exotic on her girls, and promptly flung herself onto the bed.  
***********************************  
At first Xena had been disappointed to feel her charming little baker, the lovely little thing she had been dreaming about all day, disappear from her mouth and consequently from the room, a rushed reassurance of return the only thing telling her it wasn’t a matter of cold feet. Until of course, another flustered set of eyes caught her own, and not only could Bellatrix pass a little too closely for Mrs. Lovett, but had a fiery charm all her own that Xena couldn’t help but find, bewitching. So, Xena did the very next logical thing, and slammed Bellatrix back on the mattress, soon covering that long marble neck in bites and licks, until a particularly sharp bite just above Bellatrix’s collarbone elicited another cackle from the raven haired woman, and Xena needed more; hand running up the other woman’s black bodice, Xena took her by surprise as she ripped the fabric away from one breast and pulled an already hardened nipple into her mouth, teeth grazing areola and tongue lavishing upon the nub as Bellatrix cried out for more.  
Oh yes, Xena was going to have fun with her. A little bit of rough and dirty was just what she needed every now and again. Not that soft caresses and sighs weren’t fun in their own way, they were what Gabrielle had always enjoyed, but even on her best behavior, Xena was a warrior, and wanted a good fight. And a good fight was what she was getting, as Bellatrix had soon pulled her by the hair, and swinging a leg over Xena’s shoulder, the smaller woman used the momentum to flip their positions, and pin Xena to the bed.  
Bellatrix leaned in to Xena, so close Xena could feel her breath on her lips and the warmth as the very tips of their noses almost touched “I think, that this time, you’ll be doing exactly as I say, won’t you pet?” before licking along the side of Xena’s face from jaw to brow. To the trapped woman, it was unsettlingly sensual.  
Using the fire burning in her core as fuel, Xena attacked, clawing and ripping at the clothing of the woman above her, setting her captor off balance and nearly sending her from the foot of the bed, were it not for the fabric clinging tenuously around her own body, but firm in Xena’s grip, and perfect for use as a leash to pull the witch right where Xena wanted her, underneath her.  
Xena could believe this woman was supernatural, the way uncovered pale skin glew with the moonlight, making Xena want nothing more than to feel every inch of her and taste the stars in the sky by way of the warrior star she had trapped in cloth. But true to her name as a warrior and a star, the light proved fleeting, and Bellatrix started fighting with her legs, almost completely free of Xena’s grasp, until two smaller, and equally luminescent arms wrapped around Bellatrix’s shoulders and arms, allowing Xena the freedom to restrain her legs, and resume her assault on Bellatrix’s breasts, traveling lower at an alarming speed, encircling, and dipping briefly into her navel, and continuing lower, fighting skirts and some flimsy, lacy excuse for underwear out of the way, until she reached her prize.  
With one long swipe wipe of her tongue, Xena had Bellatrix mewling in pleasure, and a quick series of smaller licks caused the witch to call out in unison with her pace.  
Soon Xena found herself immersed in the taste and cries of the woman before her, and completely cocooned in her own tasty little world, she had completely forgotten about the third woman in the room, until she looked up.  
There, biting Bellatrix's earlobe was Nellie Lovett, hands never stilling in their manipulation of the witch's breasts.  
The sight affected Xena down to her own very needy core, and she couldn't stifle the growl of want that came from her throat. Bellatrix nearly shrieked with joy at the effect, and Xena, encouraged continued to groan into the woman as she devoured her like a wild animal consuming its prey.  
Soon the petite witch was writhing and twisting in pleasure, so very obviously close. Without pausing so much as to breathe, Xena quickly buried one of the hands that had been holding Bellatrix's thigh in place inside the woman's velvety heat, to soon find herself trapped in between those milky thighs as Bellatrix began to buck wildly. Undaunted Xena worked her furiously until with a very loud mix of a cackle and a cry, Bellatrix came, shuddering violently.  
Xena sat back on her heels to admire her handy work, and already, Bellatrix's chest rose and fell quickly as she breathed in heavily, her black eyes smoldering, ready to pounce. Then, before Xena could do so much as think to protect herself from Bellatrix, Nellie pounced on her.  
**********************  
Nellie needed the woman before her. She needed her desperately, and she needed her now. Battling for control with her tongue, exploring every bit of the woman's mouth she could find, tasting not only Xena but the rich flavor of the woman behind them, and the effect was maddening. Mrs. Lovett may not have had any previous experience with the fairer sex, but she was going to tonight, and by God, she was going to impress the goddesses in the bed with her.  
Nellie convinced herself to pull away from the spectacular mouth before her so that she could take a long swig of the rum that she had brought with her, for bravery. She was almost certainly going to make a fool of herself, and she needed every bit of resolve she had.  
Throwing herself back down on the woman before her, she hurriedly began pulling away at Xena's clothes. Her nerves and impatience had her hands shaking terribly, and in her clumsy haste buttons flew across the room, and fabric tore, but neither woman seemed to care beyond the fact that it was taking far too long to undress Xena, and the two were soon reduced to helpless tugging as they entangled themselves in the remnants of Xena's dress. A quick look around the room seemed to tell Nellie that the act of undressing was a terribly complex and rare skill for herself and her current bed mates.  
Nellie pulled back again to try and regain her composure before she accidentally broke a bone, and closing her eyes took another shot of rum from the bottle in her hand.  
Opening her eyes to the task at hand, Nellie was momentarily dumbfounded to see that any remaining clothes had disappeared. Both Nellie and Xena seemed to lose concentration completely as they groped themselves searching for the missing articles of clothing.  
Until a shrill voice brought them back into the moment, “I did not go through all the trouble of concentrating on a wandless divesto to watch the two of you paw yourselves dumbly like the savages you are! Get back to it!” Bellatrix then settled herself back comfortably against the pillows, waving at them to continue.  
A small voice in the back of Nellie's head told her she should probably be offended, but a much louder and more insistent voice told her to resume touching the beautiful body before her. Agreeing whole heartedly with the louder voice, Nellie practically fell face first into Xena's torso and began planting kisses and nips on every bit of skin that her mouth could find, reaching to massage Xena's breasts. Then Xena loudly gasped. Nellie giggled into her rib at the surprisingly delicate sound from the steel woman, and opening her eyes saw why.  
Nellie had completely forgotten the rum in her hand, which was now the rum running in little rivers down Xena's belly. Keeping eye contact and smirking lustily Nellie's tongue traveled the path of each and every river to its delta: to the little pool in her navel, the collection on her hip bone, and the final river down to Xena's innermost thigh. Noticing that the final drops of rum had vanished from the golden skin before her, Nellie continued her heated eye contact as she moved her head minutely to the side, and had her first taste of an entirely different type of human flesh, even more delectable and juicy than one of her meat pies.  
Each groan and sigh spurred Nellie on, licking and sucking with abandon. She took pride in how well she seemed to be performing for her first time. And when Xena breathlessly requested “More!” in between gasps, Nellie was eager to comply.  
It was then she realized that even though it was nearly empty, she still clutched the rum bottle in her hand. Feeling deviously practical and exotic, Nellie pressed the neck of the chilled glass into the heat of Xena's core while simultaneously sucking, hard, on the other woman's nub.  
The quivering cry Xena emitted in response told her that she had succeeded in providing “more.” But before Nellie could really savor her success, she was letting out a cry of her own as a hand brought down a sharp smack on her arse.  
She felt the bed shift as Bellatrix leaned over her, one hand resting on Nellie's lower back as the other delicately soothed the skin that was still smarting.  
“You, are such a naughty little muggle, aren't you.”  
SMACK  
“Such a bad bad little muggle.”  
SMACK  
“I think we need to punish her, don't you, Xena?”  
Nellie looked into Xena's icy eyes as the warrior woman smirked down at her, Nellie ferociously working her flesh the entire time.  
“mmmmm, yes. Punish her.”  
Nellie cried out into Xena's dripping core as Bellatrix quickly landed three sharp hits onto her backside, before, without any warning, shoved two fingers into her. And oh did Nellie Lovett in that moment feel, oh so very good. She moaned and cried into the woman below her in between sucks and licks. Then a third finger entered her, all the digits curling dexterously inside of her as the witch continued thrusting, her pace alternating with Nellie's inside of Xena.  
Then the long limbed woman began thrusting and bucking against her face and the bottle at a more furious pace, both of their cries growing louder and more constant, the air filled with their pleasure, until finally, Xena shouted Mrs. Lovett's name and came hard around the bottle.  
The sound of her name being shouted in pleasure brought Nellie over the edge of ecstasy herself as Bellatrix continued to thrust into her through the orgasm, prolonging the orgasm. Taking the hint Nellie continued a gentle motion in and out of Xena until the woman came down from her high.  
The women then all finally collapsed against each other in the bed. Bellatrix at least had the sense of mind to pull a blanket over the trio (although Nellie noticed that Bellatrix seemed to have more to curl into than the others. But with the heat radiating off their bodies it was hardly a necessity.)  
“You two, are wonderful house guests.” Nellie giggled, the silent room seeming foreign in comparison to the pleasure fueled cacophony only moments before.  
“Only because you are such a generous hostess.” Bellatrix said with a smile.  
Then with a devious smile, and a slow movement on top of the baker, Xena added, “'s why the shops so popular, isn't it? Excellent service makes them come and come again.” Then, with a quick nip on her shoulder form Bellatrix and a well-placed caress from Xena, it all began again.


	4. Of Plans and Family

Bellatrix was not used to waking up with one warm body on her, let alone two, and even though charming in a weird, filthy-muggle-involving way, the feeling was soon almost suffocating. Too exhausted and sore (in a very satisfactory way) from the night before to yet again wrestle her freedom from the two again, Bellatrix slowly slithered free, and crept from the room, beginning her journey to the bake house.   
Taking advantage of the quiet time, free of scurrying death eaters, and sounds of the usual torture and mayhem before breakfast, Bellatrix began planning. After all, she was in an entirely new and different world. There wasn’t a soul around that knew her name or her theirs, and not even Gellert Grindelwald was born yet, much less The Dark Lord. For the first time in her memory, Bellatrix Lestrange was well and truly free, and the sensation was not entirely comfortable. What was she supposed to do without any guidance or cause? Even now as she tried to think of a course of action, the only goal Bellatrix could piece together, was to get her wand and destroy Nellie’s rolling pin of doom, hardly enough to start a new life on.   
Of course she wasn’t disassociated from her old self, that omnipresent voice in the back of her mind that served no function other than to believe to Bellatrix to build her own army and start a more ruthless and efficient crusade against mudbloods and all others inferior to her now; it told her to make sure Gellert Grindelwald and Lord Voldemort would never lose in a war on mudbloods because she had already broken and enslaved them.   
Of course, there would be quite a fair bit of tactical planning required. Even if Bellatrix hadn’t spent most of her time in History of Magic sneaking peeks from books she had snuck from the restricted section, she would still have more than a fair deal to learn about the wizarding world of this time in order to not be ostracized, much less to rule it.   
She needed not only a place to stay undetected, but food and clothes and any other grand number of things. She needed time, and a place to rest her head and fill it with plans. She needed a good many things that she did not have.   
Bellatrix felt nearly dead as she realized how truly drained she was, drained from Azkaban, drained from the war, drained from her journey, drained from the mind blowing sex that had lasted the night, and drained of even the slightest bit of adrenaline, Bellatrix fell to the ground, curling in on the steps of the bake house stairwell, that she realized the worst thing of all: she was drained of purpose.   
What sort of human can call themselves such without a purpose? What purpose did Bellatrix have? Even if she had decided her purpose was to raise an army of her own and conquer the world, so that she may sit upon a throne made of screaming muggles, Nellie and Xena on leashes by her feet (she had decided to keep them. They would make useful pets.) the very basic necessities of it were so far out of Bellatrix reach, she couldn’t even begin to pray for any actual validation from it.  
It was then, midway down the bake house steps that Bellatrix was brought home by a warm familiar smell, a smell that meant life and victory, her favorite smell: the smell of blood.   
Like a child running to the front door of their grandparents house, Bellatrix near threw herself down the steps to the final heavy door and swung it open, opening her arms and self to the smell of blood and death enveloping her. It was then, with one massive inhale, that Bellatrix began to feel like her old self again, and everything became very clear.   
She would stay here, with Nellie, using her magic to awe and bribe Nellie into housing her, and if that failed, she would just imperious the woman (although she truly hoped she didn’t have to, Nellie could be so fun and creative by herself) and then she would venture out every day learning the little ins and outs of her new society as she put together her plot. It was perfect. Even her new home was perfect, it came complete with corpses!  
Casting a quick summoning spell of some clothes from one of the corpses, she transfigured them into something a tad more appropriate for herself (and flattering, she was trying to persuade her would be land lady after all) before a good scourgify for safety, Bellatrix dressed herself, and readied herself to start her plan.   
******************  
Chakram in her left hand, and a sharp dagger in her right, Xena slowly descended the bake house steps. Nellie followed close behind with her rolling pin raised. Although Xena had initially thought Nellie and her weapon to be rather akin to something Joxer would have done, all it took was a smack on the arm and the memory of Bellatrix being felled by the pair twice in one evening for Xena to grudgingly accept that, in a pinch, they might be useful.   
Hoping to take the witch by surprise, Xena kicked the door open with such might that it spun on its springs before colliding with the wall beside it with a god awful “SLAM”.  
“Bloody ‘ell! Did you have a plan that didn’t involve destroying my property and waking ‘alf of London?”  
Before Xena could answer that, she in fact had no plan, and neither had Nellie because both of them were too distracted by naked flesh that morning to remember that an admitted murderer was unguarded in the house and had very likely regained possession of a weapon neither of them could stop, the very same admitted murderer spun around, arms outstretched, wand in hand, and the most terrifying grin Xena had ever seen spreading from ear to ear.   
“Xena! Nellie! Good news! I’ve cleaned up around here a bit for you! After all, it was a bit conspicuous, don’t you think?” Xena moved protectively in front of Nellie and tightened her grip on her blade as Bellatrix slowly slunk towards them. “I mean, I know the aroma does have a certain charm to it in the right setting, but it would hardly do for any sort of authority to catch a whiff and come poking around, would it?”  
Acting quickly, before fear could take hold and give Bellatrix the advantage, Xena swung her arm into position to release her chakram on the woman, when Bellatrix’s hands sprung into the air, palms open and exposed in a sign of surrender-ish.  
“Relax! I decided not to kill or hex, or generally hurt you two. Not yet at least, throw your…thing at me and I might change my mind. No, instead, I’m going to have a little conversation with Nellie, girl to girl.”  
Xena felt Nellie nervously shift behind her.  
“What about girl to girl to girl? I’m sure if it worked so well last night we’ll be perfectly fine here. Xena won’t throw anything at you, will she?” Xena looked into Nellie’s large eyes, scared, but commanding. Her nerves were obviously shining through, but as lust mixed with just the slightest bit of damsel in distress, Xena forced a stiff nod. She had to admit, the woman knew how to get what she wanted from people.   
Bellatrix blew a curl away from her eye and glared. “Fine. Well then, Nellie. I was hoping to offer my services with my wand, which is very very handy, in all situations I assure you,” Xena felt Nellie’s body shiver in time with her own “and even some help with the second stage of production down here, as I am also quite handy with a knife you see, and all I want in return is a little bit of shelter from the cold, unfeeling, foreign world.” Bellatrix looked up at them through her eyelashes, a small pout on her full lips almost concealing a sly grin.  
Xena turned to Nellie with a knowing grin of her own. “Oh but you won’t be needing those skills anymore will….” Nellie’s serious face killed Xena’s hope for her future in the cradle, and then she spoke.   
“Believe me, love, it’s never been my first choice, but once upon a time, times was hard, and now, well, there are other people to consider, like poor Mr. T for instance.” Nellie had not only killed Xena’s hope, but at the mention of that man upstairs, she had just made it into a pie. Xena hadn’t been able to break Sweeney Todd’s hold over Nellie, and business would be continuing as usual. “And this way, I can even help poor Bellatrix, and I’m sure if you wanted, we could find a place just for you too. After all, I think I rather like having the two of you around.”  
Xena wanted desperately to give in to Nellie’s charming smile and that skillful little finger tracing the neckline of Xena’s dress. Oh she did want to give in, and live in this little house, helping to serve pies, and teaching the boy to box and to drink before spending her evenings buried in Nellie Lovett and finding as many uses as possible for Bellatrix’s wand. But she couldn’t. Xena simply couldn’t trade in her more than 1500 years of travelling to world righting wrongs to spend a few years here living in delightful debauchery.   
What she could do, is turn a blind eye to the going’s on of Mrs. Lovett’s Meat Pie Emporium long enough for one of three things to happen:  
Sweeney Todd would get his revenge on Judge Turpentine or whatever Nellie had called him, stopping his murder and Nellie’s need to get rid of the bodies. Xena couldn’t help but roll her eyes. It didn’t take the experience of a millennia and half to know that the end of revenge is never the actual end. Her own revenge for her brother had turned her into a warlord.  
Sweeney Todd would self-destruct, and die, freeing Nellie of any devoted responsibilities past the funeral.   
Or Bellatrix (who Xena had discovered during the course of the evening prior to be not only terribly temperamental, but frighteningly possessive) would lose her temper with Todd, and the two would battle to death. Of course Bellatrix would win. How could the emaciated half-mad man possibly win against the battle heartened completely mad witch?  
In any case, Xena could come back in a few years to find a reformed and un-attached (to Sweeney at least) Nellie attempting to reform Bellatrix, and carry them off into the sunset for a life of adventure.   
With a heavy heart, Xena looked deeply into Nellie’s eyes. “I don’t belong in any place for long. Much less in London with the fog, and the smell, and the…food.” Nellie’s heart visibly dropped. “But, perhaps I can come back for a visit, and try a nice, fruit pie?” The baker gave her a full glittering smile.   
“Of course, love! I’ll work on the perfect pie, and make sure there’s always one in stock, just for you.” Xena would have been embarrassed by how her knee’s weakened at the kiss Nellie planted on the corner of her mouth. But Bellatrix was the only other company, and she had been on the receiving end of that mouth enough last night to know just how skillful those lips were, and Xena wanted another go.  
Nellie pulled away suddenly, and planted her hands on her hips. “Well then, none of us ‘ll be getting terribly far without a good breakfast, eh? Upstairs!” and with that the trio formed a line and headed up the steps, with Xena at the rear. If she couldn’t let herself stay and enjoy the fun the two women had to offer, she could at least enjoy the lovely sight their backsides had to offer.  
*****  
Nellie Lovett was having one of the best mornings she could remember. Bellatrix was already turning out to be quite the house guest. She had made quite an amusing show of levitating Toby and Sweeney into the living room, so that the women could enjoy a booth for their morning cuppa.  
Or at least she had been, until Nellie pulled out her rolling pin to start on the day’s first pie crusts, and Bellatrix blasted it to splinters before setting the wooden mess ablaze.   
“Bloody ‘ell, Bellatrix! I needed that you know! You better get to making another one appear from the bloody air or I’m takin’ it from your hide!”   
Bellatrix looked away from her violent new hobby, and pasted a sultry smile on her full lips.   
“Oh, will you now?” She drawled. “And how exactly, are you, my charming pet muggle, planning to-“   
“Mrs. Lovett. What. Are. You. Doing. In. here. That. Requires. So. Much. NOISE!?” Sweeney stumbled in, looking for all the world like he had just climbed from the grave.   
Just as Sweeney began to focus his bleary eyes on the burning remains of her rolling pin, Nellie snatched Bellatrix’s tea cup from the counter, and used its liquid insides to douse the fire before rushing over to Mr. Todd.   
“Oh love! You look like death warmed over, you do! Not a bit of your usual color ‘ave you got? Quick, love, we need to get you up to bed we do!” Nellie babbled as she desperately tried to pull him away from the shop and from the strange women, who she just realized, she had no explanation for. Which apparently meant it was the perfect time for Bellatrix to shatter Nellie’s tea cup in revenge.   
“Oops.” Smirked Bellatrix, hand still poised in the air.  
Sweeney didn’t so much turn, as roll on his feet to look at Bellatrix, then at Xena. “Mrs. Lovett?”  
“Oh dear! These are some guests of mine, Bellatrix, and….” Good God Xena had a weird name “Meg. They stayed the night, long journey and all.”  
“Really mum, where from?” Nellie Lovett was really beginning to regret her large heart as there was entirely too bloody many people in her house.   
“Scotland. A little place up in the country. Well, not exactly little, largest thing for miles. More of a castle really.” Nellie was only just remembering that Bellatrix could speak, and was suddenly very thankful, as she had seemed to distract the boys, as Toby’s face lit up at the idea, and Sweeney’s eyes narrowed as he further focused on her. He looked as if he was trying to will the mess of hair off of her head. “Strange though, your accent sounds, local. Or at least closer than Scotland. But please, allow me to, freshen, your hair before your journey back” A massive boulder appeared in Nellie’s throat from terror at what Mr. Todd had planned for Bellatrix.   
“Are you a cousin of Mum, then? Look awful similar you do!”  
Bellatrix scoffed loudly and Nellie’s heart cried out in thanks for the distraction. She really hadn’t thought this through, and Bellatrix seemed hell bent on answering Toby’s questions a little too honestly “Cousins? Hardly! As i-“  
“Haha! Strange thing as life is, isn’t it! She’s not my cousin. She’s my…sister!”  
Every eyebrow in the room was raised in confusion. Except for poor simple Toby, bless his heart.   
“I didn’t know you ‘ad a sister, mum! Did you grow up in the castle too?”  
“Goodness, no! She’s me ‘alf-sister really. Dad liked to travel as it were. ‘s why we look so similar, both take after Dad we do!” Nellie elbowed Bellatrix as discreetly as she could, silently begging for help. Her only aid being a small confused smile and nod.   
“Thank ‘eavens for dear cousin Meg, for findin’ her and bringing us together! So now then, Bellatrix is gonna be stayin’ with us for a while, making up for old times an such!”  
Toby’s face lit up like she had just promised him a puppy. “She can stay on my couch, Mum!” He turned to Bellatrix then, “‘s real comfortable, and it’s only proper that I give it to such a lady.”  
Oh poor, simple, adorable Toby. He was gonna grow into quite the gentleman he was.  
“Nonsense! Now that I’ve found lovely Nellie, I couldn’t stand to part from her. I’ll just be staying with her in her room. I’m sure the bed’s for two of us. In fact, Nellie’s bed is so big and comfy, that I bet we could even make room for cousin Meg to stay as well.”  
Nellie wasn’t sure if she wanted to throw her arms around Bellatrix in thanks, or strangle her.   
“Speaking of cousin Meg,” began Xena as she stood from the booth and began to adjust her borrowed clothes, eyes trained on Sweeney in a thinly veiled hate the whole time “I really must be heading back, Aunt Lily will be waiting for me. Lovely to meet everyone.” Then, just by the door, Xena finally made eye contact with Nellie and Bellatrix in turn. “Goodbye Nellie, Bellatrix. It was lovely seeing you two again.”  
“You’ll come back soon and stay a little longer, won’t you?” Nellie really did hope to see her again soon, when she wasn’t desperately trying to make everyone stop asking bloody questions.   
“Sooner than you know.” And with that, Xena planted a small kiss on Nellie’s cheek. Small enough to look familial to the males in the room, but lingering enough for Nellie to know it was more. Then Xena snuck through the door, throwing one last menacing glance Sweeney’s way. 

“Well then, we’ve got work to do don’t we. Everyone get going, Bellatrix too. We’ve got a busy day ahead of us. Bellatrix, if you’ll come with me to the bake house, I can get you started.” On taking quite a lot out of that hide of hers.   
“Mrs. Lovett!” Sweeney growled, fire in his eyes. “Are you sure that’s the best idea? That’s a lot of hard labor for a guest.”  
“Oh not to worry, Mr. Todd.” Bellatrix cooed. “I have more than my own fair share of history in ‘butchery.’ Mrs. Lovett tells me you have an interest yourself. Perhaps one of these days we could share some tips.”  
Nellie could barely force herself to breathe as Sweeney’s eyes darted between Bellatrix and herself at a near manic pace before a “Fine.” Forced through his teeth. He glared at Mrs. Lovett “We’ll discuss it later.” With that, Sweeney spun on his heel and slammed out of the kitchen.   
Toby then bounced up to Bellatrix. “Do you think you could teach me some, ma’am? I’d love to come and help Mrs. Lovett. Feel awful bad for her, and you too now, doin’ all that hard work by yourselves.” As Mrs. Lovett saw Bellatrix open her mouth to answer with a smile, it took every fiber of her being not to smack the grin off of the witch’s pale face.   
“Nonsense dear, we’re fine we are. We need you up here, charming customers with your darling self! ‘s what keeps the pies selling! Now go wipe the tables!” Nellie pulled Bellatrix’s arm to the bake house hard enough to make her worry about dislocating it. Rage and fear and any other number of emotions welled up inside of her as Nellie realized how completely over her head she was. And her temper was none the better when they reached the bottom of the stairs and the bake house door was stuck on its hinges against the wall after Xena’s grand entry earlier.   
As focused as she was on trying to open the door with profanities and slurs, Nellie didn’t notice Bellatrix taking hold of her wand, and whispering something or other, until the door swung closed seemingly of its own hurried accord. Mrs. Lovett had barely opened her mouth to exclaim her surprise when Bellatrix’s tongue had entangled itself with her own. Sighing in contentment, Nellie just couldn’t care to worry about her crowded house and sticking doors any more as she just enjoyed the sensations washing over her.   
If this was her way of apologizing for causing such a stir, then Nellie Lovett could get used to this.

**Author's Note:**

> It wasn't too terrible was it? Oh well, we made it through together, didn't we?  
> Meanwhile, I'm a terribly chatty person (in case you couldn't tell) and would love to hear from you, especially if you liked it.so blow me up bro. :)  
> ALSO!  
> ****I still have a bunch of little one shot ideas floating about in my head for a kind of sequel/collection of oneshots about Mrs. Lovett and Bellatrix now living under the same roof as Mrs. Lovett gets by with her new friend and Bellatrix plans her world domination, and if you would happen to be interested in being a beta, I would especially like to hear from you. So just tippity-type a little hello to me, and we could start our own plans for world domination! :D****


End file.
